Burning anger simmers in my veins
Oh the poison I could aim!

My fingers would type
Every last syllable
If a loving hand did not hold me...
A King told me
To hang on, to wait, to unleash well,
And to unleash as He will.
And I trust him.
I trust him to the end.

I remember what kindness I would give
What God let me give

But why did I let it go so far?
Why did I think I needed him?
Why did I spend so much time, wrapped up in oblivion??
I hate it.
I hate every word I said on my own.
I hated the veil I wore. I hated the fact that he never broke the silence but to defend himself
Only resented himself
The way I resented me.

Is there any way to turn it around?
I'm angry and I let that sound
Of a fist thumping against the table
Try to wipe away the tears.

But it won't.
Vengeance is God's.
And I want it so badly.
But He has a mercy I do not possess
He has a kindness I do not contain.
His grace abounds to every nation
Even that boy that tore my heart with silence,
That boy that never was, and always was on my mind.

Aching, my heart comes kneeling
Remembering that everything belongs to Him
Who sits on the throne.
I don't own this boy
I don't own me
My own hurts are the King's hurts...
His tears are there in my tears.
He did not die in vain
He died for all my fears
My addictions, my wrongs.

Turn it around, Lord,
As you have always done
Turn my heart around
Because I'm tired of hating
I want to love again
I want to live again
And You long to see my heart wholly yours.

So one day more, we'll see, Lord,
One more week
We'll see.
Because I'm not scared now
I'm gonna let go.
God, take all of me.

~For you are the Joy in my soul, the hope of my heart.~

the truth is
I found
that I missed the purpose of love...
and that
I have not counted the cost
If I had, I would have turned away
and never accepted your terms,
Because my terms were so unreal.


I realized something very important today. Yes mom, you get to read about it too
And no worries--no guys hop on xanga anymore--that I know of--(*shifty eyes*)

Anyways, today, before church, before a wonderful day with my friend Sadie, enjoying first service, youth group, Becca, horseback rides, and a windy blustery afternoon watching X-men...before we talked about boys, horses, being bossy, being happy, or socks...and how they all made us happy...
I had dreamed something that changed how I looked at life, and it sent my heart thinking and churning with a truth I had not even grasped.

It had been a rainy, cool, windy day like today, in a dream that began not long after I fell asleep at 1AM. I dreamed of a normal day at home, full of horses, flowers, family, and rain. I was happy, and quite content with my situation. I needed nothing--all things seemed to add to my happiness, and like now I scoffed at girls that fell and felt things for men, but still I scoffed at myself for considering and imagining what it would be like to fall in love. Love seemed a high standard I would never face--he had to be perfect. I could not handle his imperfections.
But these thoughts only sprang to my mind when a teal Saturn drove into our driveway. A man, tall, with square shoulders, and trim haircut, approached me in the drive. His eyes had the look of the sea--distant, only partially concerned with what I said, or my expressions...he seemed to already know me. He talked with my mom, my dad, me. He was so serious, and so sad! But sure, pressuring, difficult to refuse.
He asked me to marry him. Because the wedding was already on for next week. His fiancee had fallen ill and died earlier (the dream was not clear on WHEN this happened).
But the wedding was ready, and he asked me to be ready by next week with my answer.
I grew angry and frustrated as the conversation dwindled from the main question. He left, and I was full of mixed emotions, huffing and puffing my way back into the house. Mom asked me to consider it--did you like this guy? Why not, if you're sure? All these questions she should ask me if I actually KNEW the guy and had courted him always. But I didn't know him. I did not even know his face from other faces, his feet and walk from other walks.

For whatever reason, I considered.
I loved my home. He would take me away from it--for a week at least, in which I would be uncertain and trying things I had never tried--traveling, loving one person, and being married--unable to move where I wanted to move, but would try to please him.
I felt a weight, a burden fall on my shoulders, thinking of being a slave to the man, unable to return to my family for a week. I just sighed. I am not ready--my personality was not developed--I didn't even know what I liked or disliked, I did not know if I wanted to marry him.
I hated being uncertain.
He came again a couple days later, asking very passionately for an answer. He wore a blue t-shirt. He tried to talk me into it, and I thought of all the positives of saying yes...the Catholic wedding I was so curious to try, being rich for maybe just a week, a country boy that would sweep me off my feet--with eyes as deep as the ocean. I trembled in the cold, and told him I would get my white dress the next day. I warned him I may still change my mind, but it would be good to have it on hand. He smiled with his eyes, and the corners of his mouth seemed to play with the idea.
Discussions with mom proved not to help my dilemma. She found no fault in saying yes. I could not get 'I do not even KNOW his name,' to come to my lips. But I said many other things. I did not want to lose my independence, that I was not ready, that I was not 'grown up', that my piano education was not complete, that I still wanted my horse, and I wanted to be home. Mom simply replied 'Emilee, what would be the point in being READY for getting married? With that in mind, you might as well wait until doomsday for a perfect you and a perfect man. If God wants you to go, go."
I wore my white dress the next day. I looked skinny and ghostly in the store mirror. I did not know myself so ready and so whimsical in the smooth lines of the perfect fit. I looked like a bride. Goosebumps rose on my neck and I felt my face flush only slightly. I hated being 'lovely' and the center of attention to other people, but when I saw it in myself I barely believed in the image in the mirror. 
There were sunny days all that week. But the day of the wedding was dark, and full of thunderstorms and rain.
It was night.
He came, a black car parking by the hill. He waited for me to tiptoe out to the car, as the ring-bearer had told me to come. I lifted my skirts, and I recited the lines I had told myself. "I am not ready for this. The truth is, I cannot risk it. It is too soon for me, etc etc." All the reasons why I COULD not go, why I could not walk out on this adventure.
My blood burned with the words I would say.
I shut the passenger door behind me, and holding up my hand to keep him from driving away with me.
 When the words came out, they were clear, and blood red in their honesty. He looked hurt for a moment, and then his eyes flickered with a fire that matched mine. I cringed. I did not want to be in this conflict. The WORST WORST one I ever could be in. I told him so. I wanted to be home, safe, away from fiery quarrels.
"Emilee Joy, you know you want this."he said, squaring his black suited shoulders as he pressed my hand.
"I don't love you!" I smoldered."SEE!" I added as I opened the car door glistening in the wet rain, my satin dress getting drizzled on in the night. "You know my name, but I don't know yours."
His eyes grew sad, and the hurt I had seen earlier emerged.
"I do not want to leave you here."
I imagined all the guests, waiting, waiting for a woman in a white dress to appear, so the party could begin.
A tear rolled down my cheek. What was that for? I thought.
"I just can't. No puedo." I emphasized, using the foreign language stiffly for emphasis...which seemed odd. "I cannot leave my family. I can't give my life up to you."
He grabbed my arm. "Don't give up." He met my eyes for the first time. I left the car and walked home, and the sun shined.
I changed my clothes and I hugged my mom and dad. I was safe. And sad. "So, what did you tell Kevin?" Mom asked. I looked startled. "That's his name?"
I woke from my dream, and felt heavy-hearted, wondering what it had to do with me.

And I realized that it had to do with God.
HE was Kevin, or at least, the dream had been an example of what he meant.

The wedding was ready, prepared for the bride. Everyone was there already.
But the Bride did not know her Groom. She did not even know his name, or how he should be. She was not ready to say 'yes', and leave her father and mother, her family, her desires, and go where he would go, not where she would go, but would follow him, wherever he goes.

I realized I have grown stubborn about relationships. They are too much time, too much risk, too much hurt, too much work. But what i failed to see is how they are reflections of that ONE relationship. That my callus unkind view of love has been wrong...relationships ARE something God wants me to see, and to look at KINDLY, and reverently. Because God asks the same risks of me--the same time, the same work, the same LOVE, for Him.
He loves me.
But I have not been prepared for Him. I have not been prepared to Be HIS. TO call His name, to know His face, because I am not willing to trust anyone.

This is changing, because I've noticed it. But I thought it was pretty graphic. I should make  movie

I am learning to love you all, with a true heart, and a giving soul.
Joy,
~Emilee

I must say...it is very easy to realize that you're a human being. It's just as easy to realize your friends are human beings. What's difficult, is figuring out how to live with that.

I have often found that I am selfish, inconsiderate, and quite self-centered in the midst of all my tender and sweetheart-like behavior. I don't take pride in my kindnesses, but I am so so shallow as of late, so inwardly noisy and untidy that I don't know if I've strayed off the path of righteousness, or merely been deceived into thinking I have.
Yes, I have a pleasant and easily molded disposition. I am not polite, but genuine. I enjoy life, most of the time, but I cringe at the thought that I am dishonest with myself or with my friendships.
Friendships run to the back of my mind...I don't want to be responsible for them, so they sit in imagined oblivion, as if I had never needed to upkeep them, that I never knew them...what am I doing wrong? Am I punishing myself for silence, or am I punishing others for their silences, for their busy lives, covering my silly life in business, and not considering what backfires?
What am I doing?
And...when can I really seriously hang on to the truth of God in my life, when I'm stuck considering and reconsidering Him that I've loved all my life??? How long, Lord, will I keep questioning, and not trying, waiting for answers, and not looking to find them? Please, somewhere in the mess I've made, help me to LIVE again.